Thoughts on being broken

I've been blogging for awhile now and I went back to my old blog (which was super private and only select people knew about it) and realized that I've been blogging since June of 2006. That's a long time! Re-reading some of those old posts brought back some great memories and also made me see how much I censor myself on this blog. I do try to be open because I want to bring attention to issues like depression and help other people going through it, but my voice was still not completely my own.

Originally when I started blogging Meandering Design did not swear, wasn't very snarky and in general was a very prim and proper lady. Yes, I can be a lady, but I also sometimes swear like a sailor. There is also a fine line between sharing and over sharing. Let me know if I cross it please!

I went to an awesome event last Tuesday night called Idea Potluck.  I've been going to Idea Potluck for a year now and every time I walk away feeling energized, inspired and amazed. There is always a great mix of speakers including improvers, storytellers, musicians and some every day folks telling their own narrative. 

One speaker in particular really touched me with her story. Maria spoke about her father leaving her family when she was 17. I'm not going to be able to quote her properly but something she said about being broken in relation to having someone in her life today was a huge aha moment for me. 

My biological father left when I was 3 or 4. Looking at pictures of that little girl I don't understand how anyone could walk away. 

While I've done a lot of intensive therapy around some of the other trauma in my life- this is something I never really acknowledged. It's funny because sometimes I'll joke about abandonment issues. Once a boyfriend was late picking me up and I was practically hysterical because I thought he'd left me. 

I jumped back into the dating world a couple of months ago and it has sent me into a tailspin of anxiety and uncertainty. I generally think of myself as pretty confident and self-assured but I've been the exact opposite of that lately. It also didn't help that I was feeling sexually harassed online.  

Hearing Marie speak made me realize that I've never dealt with my father leaving. I called a really close friend who went through therapy with me and she confirmed we never really talked about this. Plus I keep expecting men to walk away. Hey guess what- that's what keeps happening because I keep picking men who will walk away. 

This hurts. This old gaping wound from my childhood. I know that I'll get past this. I know that I'll find a way to reassure that little girl that not everyone is going to fail her. I also know it's going to take time and probably quite a few tears. 

Thanks for going on this journey with me. 

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